What do you do when the friend, client, contact, family member you have reached out to responds with the silent treatment? 

In general we might just guess that our contact is busy and get in touch again.  But in cases where there have been some bumps in the relationship or where someone doesn’t respond after a couple of attempts the assumptions come rushing in.

In verbal conversation we have the urge to fill the silent gaps in conversation with words.  In the communication that happens in email or through voicemail we fill the silence with assumptions.  When we don’t get a response to our first or second messages we start to make guesses about why we aren’t hearing back and these guesses feed on our insecurities.

“Why do we go to our insecurities? Because we know that people tend to shy away from communicating negative messages. If someone hasn’t called us, we think to ourselves, it must be that she doesn’t want to communicate something negative to us. Or she simply wants us to stop bothering her and go away. Also, we figure, if the person wanted to work with us, it would be in her interest to let us know — she would have called.” Peter Bregman

If you want to learn how to handle the silent treatment check out HBR blogger Peter Bregman’s post this week.  He maps out the three vital steps to take and explains how to handle these silences with dignity and polish.

I follow everything Nicole Garton-Jones  does very closely.  Nicole is the founder of Heritage Law.  Her mission is to forge a path to a new kind of law firm, one that allows lawyers and staff members the freedom to work where they choose, when they choose.  I recommend her latest article to those of you considering going the virtual office route or just seeking some flexibility in how/where you practice law.

Do you believe that you are much less accomplished then others think you are?  Despite your numerous achievements, high performance at law school, and numerous professional successes do you still doubt your abilities and second guess yourself?  Is there a negative voice in your head that puts you down, and offers a steady stream of negative commentary?  If you answered yes, then you just might just be a member of the “imposter syndrome” club.

Imposter Syndrome is “a psychological syndrome identified in the late 1970s by Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes and expanded upon by Manfred Kets de Vries in a 2005 HBR article. It describes frequent feelings of incompetence despite all of the evidence to the contrary.”  Imposter syndrome is an apt term as people exhibiting the condition literally feel like imposters. 

As a lawyer coach I have encountered a significant number of legal professionals who grapple with an over-active inner critic.  The inner critic cannot be silenced but there are effective strategies for handling the doubt and negative self-talk and turning it into something positive.

This week the Harvard Business review blog offers an excellent article by Susan David on “how-to-deal” with your inner critic.  Click here to read more or download a copy of the attached article.  It’s time to start talking back to the critic!

(Article: How to Manage your Inner Critic)

Here in Vancouver this week the Canadian Bar Association’s Women Lawyers Forum held another successful event.  Linda Robertson, President of the Women Lawyers Forum, kindly offered the following summary of the event:

“The Women Lawyers Forum held their Second Annual Awards Lunch on November 17th and it was as successful and inspiring as last year’s event. There were 175 in attendance at the Sutton Place Hotel and the feeling in the room was one of warmth and enthusiasm.

Two outstanding women lawyers were recognized – Kathryn Berge, QC received the Award of Excellence and Brenda Edwards received the first Debra Van Ginkel, QC Mentoring Award. Both women received standing ovations when they went up to accept their awards. The speeches by the nominators and the recipients highlighted how far women lawyers have come over the past decade and the power of mentoring. Brenda ended her speech by saying that when asked how she finds the time to mentor so many women, she said that “mentoring feeds my soul.”

The guest speaker was Carole Taylor who has recently joined BLG as a Senior Business Advisor. She spoke about her personal journey from a teenager working in broadcasting to Minister of Finance and all the stops along the way. She encouraged women to take the broad path in their careers not being afraid of accepting positions for which they may not feel entirely ready and to look at all the opportunities in the community and elsewhere that bring a diversity of experience. Too often we focus just on the next step along the promotional road and not what we can learn outside our jobs.

It was an inspiring event because of the outstanding women present at the podium and their openness is telling us about their personal career paths and how it lead to their success.”

As a coach I am often asked about what make the “best investments” of non-billable time.  As Carole Taylor underlined in her presentation – it is valuable to take the broad path.  The broad path means to look for opportunities to learn new things and broaden your horizons.  It is important to stretch a little beyond your immediate knowledge base and skill set.   

My thanks to Linda Robertson for sharing some of the highlights of the The Women Lawyers Forum Second Annual Awards Lunch with us.

Law firms are deserts of positive feedback. At so many of our law firms no news is good news and critical feedback is the only kind going around.

As a lawyer coach I am a woman with a mission: To help make our law firms better places to work. One of the most powerful tools for accomplishing this is something called positive acknowledgement.

Positive acknowledgement is about giving the gift our attention by recognizing when someone has done something well. Positive acknowledgement works when you notice someone’s strengths or what they have accomplished and you tell them that you have noticed and why it’s important.

Whether you are a coach, partner, associate, administrator, or librarian, all of us in law firms have the opportunity to set off a simple but powerful shift in our law firm cultures with this one simple action.

Here’s my request for you — start bringing rain to the desert. Make the determination to offer at least one piece of positive acknowledgement to someone you work with once a week. (To those of you who are already good at this my congratulations and please keep it up!) Read more

Here on Salt Spring Island it’s blackberry season. People are on the roadside picking berries and everyone is busy baking pies and cooking up jam for the long winter months ahead.  Today at the Lawyers Weekly a different kind of Blackberry is being served up – of the smartphone variety.

In the article “Smartphone etiquette: Where to draw the line?” writer Milton Kiang has asked lawyers to report in on their Blackberry usage – the results are just what you would expect from big law firm lawyers:

“Borden Ladner Gervais LLP corporate partner Martin Donner says that according to a legal survey he read several years ago, a lawyer’s availability is what clients value most. Donner says he checks his BlackBerry on evenings and weekends. “I do it because I haven’t left the planet. If there’s something I can do to help out, I’ll do it. Clients’ needs aren’t confined to regular hours.”

Milton interviewed me and asked me if I thought “Blackberries contributed to or detracted from work life balance” and I explained that Blackberries are simply a tool and it is up to the lawyer how they use it.

There are many different types of clients and legal practices and law firms. The choices you make about where you practice and the clients you serve will determine the degree to which you must rely on a Blackberrry.

Mitlon paraphrases me as follows:

“Wolf suggests that lawyers talk to their clients to find out how quickly they expect to receive e-mail responses. Lawyers should also explain how they run their practice, and talk about periods when they can’t be reached because, for instance, they’re spending time with family. “Clients will appreciate it,” says Wolf.

The above quote can be misunderstood. To clarify for the record, what I know for sure is that clients most value a lawyer’s investments in learning about client needs and expectations and in the corresponding delivery of a high quality of service. There are many clients for whom a high quality of legal service is determined by their lawyer’s responsiveness and attentiveness during daylight hours, not whether their email message is answered at 11 pm on a Saturday night.

One lawyer I know was reluctant to get a Blackberry for fear that it would encroach on his valuable personal time after work. What he learned was that he could use it to check on the status of projects while he was out of the office and that he needn’t in most cases respond to messages until the next morning.

The bottom line line is that Blackberries are a great tool. To make the best use of yours make sure to check in on client expectations and confer with your loved ones as well. Develop an approach that balances accessibility to clients and availability to loved ones at home.

In my household I simply don’t have a choice:  My Yellow Labrador Retriever just won’t play ball when I am on the phone.  If I take a call or start texting she just give me the look, drops the ball and it’s game over.